Posted Sunday, 11/12/2006 at 3:50 pm EST by Alex

The following is a transcript from the written archives of one Daniel "Danny-boy" Alexander Keene:

Songs that I will not listen to

1 Rock songs that are about rocking ("for those about to rock" "i want to rock" "rock around the clock" "get ready to rock"). This excludes, of course, Tenacious D, who actually does rock.

2 Songs in which the word "yeah" is repeated three or more times in a row (any song by bono, or cake)

3 Songs with women (or men, for that matter) that make meowing noises. Unfortunately, this trend has been increasing in the last few years, especially on public radio.

Tv shows i will not watch

1 I will not watch "So you think you can dance"

2 I will definitely not watch "Prison break"

3 If you even think that I will watch "Standoff" it is time for you to think again

Movies that i will not see

1 Lost highway - wait, how did the guy videotape them while they were sleeping? what? he transformed into a different person? ...Oh, wait, I actually did watch this. I guess I wish I hadn't.

2 Failure to Launch - how can you lose with a formulaic romantic comedy starring that chick from sex and the city - the answer is that you can lose a testicle.

3 King Kong - people have told me that this is good but i will never get around to seeing it sorry.

Books I will not read

Captains Courageous - i will not read this book because the title does not have enough apostrophes.

Finnegan's wake - no one has ever read this, because it looks like James Joyce typed it with his ass. Anyone who tells you that they've read through it and that it is eventually "enriching" probably just read a summary on the internet

Star Wars: Legacy of the Force: Betrayal - why would i read a book based on a movie series that doesn't even produce good movies anymore? Also the title has too many colons for my taste (just like episodes 1-3! booyah!)