Wheels keep on spinnin', spinnin', spinnin'

Once again, Josh stumbles through another clumsy, awkward news post where he explains the comic that you JUST read, like someone who tells a joke and then explains why it's supposed to be funny. Hey Josh, I think we should post a comic about cats tomorrow, maybe you should write a news post with a link to the wikipedia page about cats? You know, just in case someone forgot what a cat was.
I mean seriously, I think everyone has seen Cool Runnings by now. Jesus Christ.

In unrelated not-quite-as-bitter-but-still-a-little-bitter news, my brother has informed me that he is almost finished with Neal Stephenson's "The Baroque Cycle," which is apparently like 3000 pages of people talking about riding horses and building steam powered telephones or some shit like that. Basically it's the most interesting concept you could think of for a book, pulled off in the most physically draining way possible.

This brought back horrifying memories of my encounter with the dread 12-book-ilogy - The Wheel of Time. For those of you who don't know what this is and think it sounds like a really gay fantasy series, well, you're pretty much spot on, but let me go into a little more detail. Basically the author, Robert Jordan, read "The Lord of the Rings," and then thought "I'll bet I could write that... except longer." So he took the Lord of the Rings, changed "Orcs" to "Trollocs," changed Mordor to something like the Blasted Lands or something crappy like that, and added a bunch of Frank Herbert-esque nudity scenes and descriptions of cleavage. Add some generic fantasy titles that have NOTHING to do with the actual plot (like "The Knife of Swords," or "The Crown of Hats") and a few extended epilogues and prologues that became so long that he actually had to GIVE THEM THEIR OWN BOOKS, and you've got a series that is... wait for it...

Nine thousand, six-hundred and eighty-five pages long.
Let that sink in for a moment. If each page was a day, that would be 26.5 years of the Wheel of Time. That's 232,400 hours of the Wheel of Time. 13,946,400 minutes of the Wheel of Time. If the Wheel of Time were the alphabet, it would be the Japanese alphabet. If the Wheel of Time were a pie, it would be bigger than the moon and filled with shit. I can't more accurately describe the Wheel of Time to you without getting extremely obtuse.

The Wheel of Time is a stain. Buying these books will fill up three shelves of a bookcase, and will only be impressive to people who have never heard of it. Anyone who managed to read past the sixth book and still tells you they're a fan of the series is either lying to you, or is the most oozing, degenerate cretin you know... or is Robert Jordan himself, or maybe his mother. Consider this a disclaimer.

Greetings.  Hope everyone had a decent thanksgiving, what with the eating of pies and hams and what-have-you.  Now, “feast” your eyes on today’s new comic! 

…oh god, that pun injured me internally.

Anyway… remember “Cool Runnings?”  If you do, then I feel very sorry for you.  If not, then I’m sure you do now, seeing as you’ve probably just read the comic I posted up there!  BWAHAHAHA!!

Well, I found another computer that I can use temporarily, but it is horribly slow to the point that I’m contemplating the possibility of getting up out of my chair and actually driving to some place with a faster computer.  That may not sound very desperate, but consider the fact that I am full of stuffing and am still wearing the garments I passed out in last night, not to mention the fact that my house is out in the styx, and it takes me at least 20 minutes to drive anywhere that isn’t either:

So, the moral of this story is: Don’t go to that... umm...  fuck, I don’t know.  Turn of your computer and go visit with your gaddamn family or something. Shit!