Danse Danse Macabre: Comicahrea!


		Texas A&M Phun Phacts!
	Posted Wednesday, 11/29/2006 at 12:30 am by Josh
	As many of you may already know, I'm studying Archaeology at the graduate level at Texas A&M University. I am not, however, even close to being a native Texan. When I first moved from Washington State to the post-apocalyptic wasteland that is Texas, I felt confused and disoriented. The locals had strange mannerisms that I did not understand, and practiced a number of rituals which seemed to serve no logical purpose. What compels a man to stride down the street in blistering 120 degree heat while wearing tight denim pants and a long sleeve flannel shirt? What causes church parking-lots across town to overflow for blocks in every direction on days that aren’t Sunday? Who, or what, is “Bubba?” Why is the coffee everywhere so goddamn weak?! As for the university itself, the characteristics of Texas I thought strange seem amplified to a pointless extreme once on campus. Walking onto university soil without proper orientation could have disastrous results tantamount to wandering into a Pakistani mountain-village while wearing a star of David and eating a big-mac. I assumed when I got here that there MUST be logical reasons for all these peculiarities. Over the past year, however, this assumption proved to be completely wrong. Apparently, Texas A&M exists in some sort of illogical nether-realm in which reality is distorted to such a degree as to permanently derange all those who live here for any length of time. As a result, the unprepared outsider is doomed to lead a meaningless, wraith-like existence as he aimlessly wanders about, attempting to fathom what an “aggie” actually is, or why students can sometimes be seen standing on street corners holding up big signs with the letter “N” on them. Following is a list of Texas A&M factoids; one of which is completely false. Can you guess which one? If you sit down at a football game, other fans will physically assault you until you stand back up. The University sponsors a week-long boot-camp intended to indoctrinate new students called “Fish Camp.” Despite being called “The Aggies,” the football team mascot is an inbred Collie named Reveille. This dog has free reign over the entire university and “attends classes” on a regular basis. Reveille is the highest ranking official in the Texas A&M University Corps of Cadets, The University’s standing army. It is forbidden to walk underneath the “Century Oak” (a really old oak tree with a criss-cross of paved paths passing underneath), because whomever does is doomed to be single for the rest of their life. If you wear a hat in the student union building, or walk on the grass outside, other students will yell at you and/or hit you. Juniors are not allowed to say the word “elephant.” Male cadets in the Corps are frequently seen walking side by side, holding each other’s hands in some sort of cross between a never-ending handshake and hand-in-hand frolicking. Texas A&M cannot fire employees based on sexual preference. I’m truly sorry to say that if you answered anything but 9, you are sadly mistaken. What state do you think this is, anyway?

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